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Władysław Podkowiński - "O Frenesi das Exultações", 1894
Among the common complaints in the psychological clinic, the discomfort with sexual desire (whether one's own or the other's) are very common. People of all ages show a genuine concern to live up to (or expect others to live up to) the role assigned to them, trying to be the sexy wives, the virile men or the liberal young adult. Regardless of the role, when this performance fails, the blame tends to be placed on libido.
It is safe to say that, most likely, your libido is great. I say "most likely" because the hormonal influence (among other influences) on everything that concerns our body and behavior can never be ignored, so sexuality is no exception. However, if your doctor has told you that your health is in order, so is your libido. The tendency to blame our desire is encouraged by science — or, even better, by our interpretation of scientific findings.
In classic studies on sexuality, of which we can highlight the research led by Masters and Johnson, the physiological aspects of the sexual act have always been carefully analysed. Thanks to them, today we have a very accurate mapping of the physical changes that occur before, during and after sex. This focus on such concrete and observable manifestations of the body's response to sex has led to a widespread belief that arousal and pleasure are associated with vasodilation, lubrication, erection, and orgasm. Likewise, the idea that there are people more or less prone to have libido and to feel more or less pleasure with sexual intercourse is still widespread.
What is not widespread is that the application of the results of these studies to the understanding of how the libido behaves is a very big mistake, because the way in which our desire is manifested is also subjective. It may seem surprising given what we are used to as a society, but the most recent scientific consensus, presented in the 2000s by Rosemary Basson, is that libido is not spontaneous, it is responsive. This means that if you don't have enough sexual stimuli to turn you on, whether physically or mentally, you won't be interested in having sex. After a stressful and unattractive routine, the idea of arriving at the end of the day behaving like the insatiable man or the lustful wife becomes something far removed from reality and you should not feel bad about it.
Sexual desire is a momentary and transitory state that must be awakened. In order for it to be present, the right conditions must be offered. If there are no sensual stimuli aligned with what you like, either in thought or in more practical terms, the libido will remain dormant. More importantly, it must be understood that this is a daily construction and the investment in pleasure should not only occur at the time of sex.
It is not uncommon for couples to look back fondly to the beginning of their relationship, when their sex life was more active. In general, the most intense sexual activity happens because we dedicate efforts to the conquest of the person with whom we relate, paying more attention to appearance, giving gifts, showing our qualities, creating special occasions and romantic dinners - that is, situations that are not so obviously associated with sex, but which implicitly feed sexual self-esteem. Re-signifying these sensual stimuli in the present moment is essential for maintaining interest in sexual life. Assertive communication and knowledge of one's own desire are the main allies on this journey. To find out how Sexual Cognitive Therapy can help you in this process, talk to me at this link or send me an email.
Anne Caroline da Silva
Psychologist CRP 08/35969
anne.css@outlook.com
+55 41 98869-5821
REFERENCES
Basson R. Using a different model for female sexual response to address women’s problematic low sexual desire. J Sex Marital Ther. 2001; 27 (5):395-403.
Basson R, Brotto LA, Laan E, Redmond G, Utian WH. Assessment and management of women’s sexual dysfunctions: problematic desire and arousal. J Sex Med. 2005; 2 (3): 291-300.
Basson R, Leiblum S, Brotto L, et al. Definitions of women’s sexual dysfunction reconsidered: advocating expansion and revision. J Psychosom Obstet Gynaecol. 2003; 24 (4): 221-9.
Basson R. Introduction to special issue on women’s sexuality and outline of assessment of sexual problems. Menopause. 2004;11(6 Pt 2):709-13.
MAIER, Thomas. Masters of Sex. LeYa, 2014.
SARDINHA, Aline. Terapia Cognitiva Sexual - Teoria e Prática. Episteme Editora, 2020.
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